Reflection on the past year: Does music fit in my life anymore?
Running into Chastity Brown, writing new music, and my struggles w/ anxiety
Perhaps it is time to admit that I am in an identity crisis, though the word ‘crisis’ seems too dramatic to explain the uncertainty around who I am. Last year around this time, I was preparing to co-MC, and play, at Blue Ox Music Festival. I was about to release my third album and had a summer full of amazing shows lined-up. This year is so very different as I am halfway through my masters program studying human rights. I am in the second week of the coolest internship helping produce the podcast Gaslit Nation, but no Jerrika Mighelle shows lined up for the summer. Besides the pandemic, I can’t remember a summer where I wasn’t playing multiple times a month, and I can’t figure out why exactly I haven’t booked many shows. Is it because I want to just focus on my masters program, or is it because something in me doesn’t want to perform? I sincerely don’t know.
I still love playing with every ounce of my being, but the anxiety and the amount of work I put into booking and promoting my shows doesn’t give back what I put out. For years it has been a struggle to get people to come. It wasn’t until the rise of the Black Lives Matter movement that venues started realizing they have been ignoring all of us marginalized people that I started getting the bookings I have deserved for years, and more people started showing up. But all those other years played its toll.
Yesterday, I was on a walk and ran into Chastity Brown, one of Minneapolis’s cherished musicians. She and I had shared a few shows together in the early 2000s. She asked me if I was still playing and I said, “not so much”. She sweetly said, “That's okay, but are you still writing?”, and I excitedly said “yes! I just recorded two new songs.” To which she quickly replied, “that’s all that matters.” I agree. And the truth is, I can’t stop writing. I don’t even make a point to do it, there are just songs always stirring beneath the surface that whenever I take the time to write, out come verses and melodies that didn’t exist before.
Clearly, I was inspired by this interaction with Chastity because this morning I woke up with the undeniable desire to write a new song. When I began strumming my fingers immediately found the chords that precisely expressed what I was feeling on the inside. It brought me to tears - I am tearing up again as I write this. I spent the rest of the morning having my own therapy session writing a new song, while shedding tears and old baggage.
I don’t feel anywhere near like the person I was one year ago. Though I had a lot of successes last summer and in the past year, I was so often drowning under my anxiety. To put a visual to it, I often felt like I was at the base of a waterfall being pummeled by water. I have spent the year trying to combat this crippling anxiety brought on by shows and now school. I am fortunate to have found tools that help make my nerves more manageable; meditation, journaling, movement, and allowing myself to rest.
I have allowed myself to be open to things that I never thought I would; like going to Costa Rica on a yoga retreat, or dancing in public with more freedom than I have ever experienced while being stone cold sober. I have had more serendipitous moments than I can count, reminding me of the beauty and magic that awaits around any given corner. I have allowed myself to feel fun, not realizing that I had actively denied myself that. This past year I have seen an incredible transformation in myself. I don’t even look the same. A huge turning point for me was at that yoga retreat in Costa Rica, where during a meditation, as I saw myself being pummeled by that waterfall it occurred to me, all I have to do is move out from under it, so I did.
As I have been doing all this work on myself, actively transforming my brain patterns, I find myself missing performing more and more. Perhaps this break from it has been necessary, though. Sometimes you need to step away from something you love to remind yourself why you love it, or if you do at all anymore. For me, the answer is… I still love it. Though I am still trying to figure out how it fits in my identity that also encompasses a passion for human rights, filmmaking, podcasting, and writing I don’t want to force it. I guess I don’t need to figure out why I haven’t been pulled to book a ton of shows. I am still writing music and, as Chastity says, “that is all that matters”.
That said, I did go into the studio last month to record two new songs!! Hopefully they will be out by fall. Who knows, perhaps the one I wrote today will also be ready to share by then too. I do have a few shows lined up in Eau Claire, WI this fall. One of them is opening for Ana Egge on November 9th at the Pablo Center! That one is going to be really special. I will have my full band!
If any of you are interested, I have started a new musical project with my love Maddi where we are creating a healing sound experience. We will be at the Yoga Rooms in Eau Claire, WI this Saturday, June 15th at 7 pm. Basically, Maddi will lead you all in a guided meditation followed by her playing sound bowls to my guitar playing and singing while you comfortably lay on your mat soaking up all the vibrations. This has honestly been the most healing way I have shared my music. Harmonizing with these healing sounds bowls has brought my voice to new levels. We have performed a few times in the Twin Cities and the reception has been wonderful with participants saying things like, “you took me on a journey through the cosmos”, or “your voice is magic.” It also feels that Maddi and I have found a way to share our love with everyone. Maybe you will let us carry you through the cosmos.
Upcoming Sound Experience + Guided Meditation:
June 15 | 7 pm | The Yoga Rooms | Eau Claire, WI | Save your spot & Sign up now
June 29 | 7 pm | The Yoga Rooms | Edina, MN | Save your spot & Sign up now
Upcoming Jerrika Mighelle Shows:
Nov 9 | 7:30 | Pablo Center | Eau Claire, WI | Tickets available here | w/ Ana Egge